The Pangs of LDR

Sunday June 10, 12

6:39pm

It’s mid-afternoon and I still feel hungover. My stomach churns from the destruction alcohol has left in it’s path from last night’s debauchery. Even after having brunch with the bros, 2 cups of coffee, and 3 bottles of isotonic water, I still feel 2 notches below sea level. Sigh. Maybe I’ll take a nap later… it is a Sunday after all.

Last night was fun though – a respite from the complexities of reality. Gays do that well. Escape. We are pros at it.  We have mastered the French exit, the caveman-ing, the closeting, and the extravagant closet exeunt. That was what last night for me: a, largely failed, attempt to escape from baggage I carry with me. Still, the blaring music, the erratic disco lights, the lustful stares makes one feel invincible. Well, maybe not. But at the very least, it makes one feel attractive… wanted… worthy.

I guess that’s what I was looking for – to feel worthy. It just dawned on me today how worthless I was feeling. Work is seriously kicking my ass, and the relationship hasn’t really been smooth sailing as of current… I can’t really do much about the work, but the relationship… is it supposed to be this hard? Perhaps, as things that come easily usually aren’t worth it. Still, the attention from last night was indeed welcome, even if it all was superfluously superficial and from arms length.

Truth be told… This long distance relationship is getting to me – Long Distance being the operative words that are causing rain to fall… The unintentional slips, the circumstantial blips, the rationalized and very valid excused – it’s all getting to me. I knew it would be tough, this long distance business, and I told myself I could handle it. “Piece of cake”, I said.  “Just another walk in the park”. I don’t know if it was arrogance, overestimation, or me trying to convince myself… But it actually is really, really hard.

Truth be told… The distance takes a toll of the both of you. Time together is a luxury, so you do what you can to compensate… You call and email and chat and skype and BBM… but is it enough? Can you really grow together when you’re physically apart? Or am I just kidding myself? Maybe. Call me emotionally high maintenance, but the robotic regurgitations of each other’s days seem mundane and insignificant. The automatic exchanges of “I miss yous” and “I love yous” are just that – automatic – semi-scripted dialog that both have been accustomed to though it may be closer to half than full truth.

Truth be told… I don’t think this not enough. With Long Distance Relationships, you have to work doubly as hard. Unlike in conventional relationships, with LDRs growing apart is an inevitability. And unless, both of you consciously and continuously work against the pangs of emotional segregating, it is sure to happen…

So what do you do… At least what do I do… I try to do two things.

1. I try to create as many moments as possible. Moment when you can both grow together. This is easier done in person. So I try to see him as often as financially and professionally possible. To experience those moments, to be in the presence of each other and crawl under each other’s skin and comfortably nuzzle there for some time… And while not impossible to do remotely, it is extremely hard to create moments when physically apart. But you try anyways. And when moments do happen, it feels magical. You just know.

The problem is sometimes the moments feel contrived – the emotional equivalent of microwave dinners – chock full of imitations of what the real thing should be and ultimately really bad for you. But what do you do? You’re hungry so you take it anyway. You try to convince yourself that, mmmm, it was great and that you’re satisfied. The sad thing is deep down you know the truth… the truth that really you just needed to fill a void and that this is the next best thing. All while ignoring the uncomfortable aftertaste it leaves.

2. I minimize the growing apart, at least on my part. Really, I minimize my growing altogether. Maybe it’s wrong. Maybe I’m going about it all the wrong way. But it all makes sense in my head. I will wait to grow until we are together.  I will wait to experience things. I will wait for him.

The problem is… Well there are a lot of problems with this. I limit my growth – which is pathetic and unhealthy. And I don’t want to impose the stoppage from him because it would be unfair. The thing is, when he does grow… when he experiences life without me, deep down I am jealous. Resentful. Jealous that it not me he his with as he experiences these things and Resentful because he didn’t wait for me.  It’s crazy I know. I’m pretty fucked up. Such a needy little douchebag.

But there in lies the perplexing challenge that is a long distance relationship. If there aren’t enough moments; if they are too few and too far in between, you will grow apart. If one of you doesn’t waits; if either continues to grow, you will grow apart. This doesn’t even include external factors… prior social, familial, and professional responsibilities; erstwhile comparisons to the past; unorthodox fruits of the slither… 

And it feels like it’s all being fought on the thinnest trapeze of battlefield. How does one fight this uphill tightrope battle? One wrong move and you fall off. One miscalculated balance and you falter. How do I stay on? I wasn’t prepared for this. Lord give me faith.