Thursday, December 31, 2009

Kisses at the stroke of midnight

7:35 pm – New Years Eve 2009
My room in manila listening to Keyisha Cole’s A Different Me album

So it’s new years eve… Sigh and I’m home with Family. My younger brothers woke up late and aren’t hungry, Ate and Raff went to have dinner with the Roxas-Chuas, Kuya Geeps and Paul aren’t coming until later, and Mom and I decided not have dinner and just wait for Media Noche… I’ve gained so much unwanted weight already in the last week, so it’s not such a bad thing to skip dinner. Plus, the anticipation for Mom’s scrumptiously authentic Japanese Shabu Shabu and Yakiniku are well worth the wait…

As I wait for another 2-3ish hours more till we chow down on yummy yakiniku goodness, I thought I’d try to sneak another blog in before the new year!

I was going though facebook statuses and updates, and I stumbled on multiple posts about 3-2-1ings at midnight and having that significant other to sweetly kiss as the clock struck midnight. “Awww… How romantic,” I thought to myself. Then felt kind of sad…

I’ve been single for way too long! I get lonely sometimes, and I really want to share my thoughts, my stupid jokes, my crazy energy, my secrets, my fears, and my dreams (amongst other things) with someone special, and have him share his craziness with me too. I want to have those little stupid moments where I just can’t stop smiling. I want to wake up beside someone and wish that time would stop… You know… All that Romeo and Juliet, cheesy movie crap. I love that crap, and I’ve been without it for much much more than I’d like.

So, now I’m going to add to the list of 8 resolutions I have 2 blogs down… I will seriously keep myself open to being in a relationship with someone – so one great and handsome and smart… someone I would be proud to introduce to my family (that’ really the ultimate test!) 2010, come on man. I’m a good guy, so give a brother a break! I know you’ll kick 2009’s ass when it comes to the boy department… actually you’ll kick 2009’s ass in most departments (if not all departments really! Hehe!)

Alright then. Here we come - bells, whistles, dark demin, dunks, straw fedora and all! 2010 and Jappy/Jacques (schizo much!?!?) will be an unbeatable team! So come on over and hitch a ride or get out of the way, coz its gonna be so awesome you won’t know what hitcha!





From the Glee Volume 1 Soundtrack
Got no feel,
I got no rhythm

I just keep losing my beat

I'm ok, I'm alright

Ain't gonna face no defeat

I just gotta get out of this prison cell

Someday I'm gonna be free, Lord!

Find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A kid again... A kid always...

Mom’s bedroom floor at home
12:27am December 29, 2009


I’m sitting on the floor of my mom’s enormous room (She renovated the house in 2003 and seriously, I’ve had whole apartments half the size of this room) while Ate surfs the net from mom’s bed and Mom wraps gifts on the floor 2 meters away. Man, I feel like a kid again! More so now than usual. Maybe is the magic of the holidays. Maybe it’s being home-home, and not in the foreign addresses I call home when I’m abroad. I love being a kid again :)

People I meet now call me Jacques. But the people I grew up with call me Jappy/Japs/Japster. Hahaha… I love that name! JAPPY!!!! I think it’s fitting coz it’s so happy! I’m that adolescently awkward, annoyingly overactive, dark skinned, buck toothed little scoundrel of my youth. Underneath this 20 something year old exterior is the still the heart of a pubescent high school grasping at the straws of youthful virility to battle the everyday angst and chaos of adulthood.

I was staring at myself this morning (as I do pretty much every morning since I started to work out a few months ago… Hahaha, dotcha love ‘em “just got out of bed” abs), and I was thinking in my head… who the hell is that adult man staring at me? As I look a little closer, I figure it out… It’s like that scene from the movie, Hook, where that little white kid tugs and pulls on Robin Williams’ face and say, “There you are Peter!” Somewhere behind those deep-set eyes and disheveled hair is that insecure brace-face kid in the oversized Gap t-shirts and 1-size too big polo sneakers (coz the grown-ups always buy kids clothes that are bigger than what is normal so we can grow into them…).

Yup, sometimes I can be a big kid… Innocent and naïve. Idealistic and bright-eyed. Energetic and larger than life. Free-spirited, carefree and adventurous. And I love that. I miss that. But alas, the age of innocence apparently has an expiration date and all will inevitably take a bite from that apple. And that’s where I am now – a kid who looks like an adult, pretending to be an adult, living in an adult world… But beneath these (slightly uneven) doe eyes is a simple boy smiling for no apparent reason. Easily forgetting the painful, and dwelling in an unexplainable feeling of juvenile contentment. Happy just to be…




Photos ripped from my man, Mr. Daniel Gimenez - www. danielgimenez.com

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

A new dawn. A new day. A new year.

December 22, 2009 - 12:43am
Sitting Indian style on my bed, in my room, in my lavender apartment
Listening to “Kahit Ika’y Isang Panaginip Lang”


Here we are again, and words are hard to find… Another year goes by, and I don’t know exactly what I have to show for it. Sigh. I got promoted to manager. I went to Hong Kong. I partied decently hard. I dated around. That pretty much sums up my year in 4 meager little sentences. It’s pretty pathetic I know, but not totally unexpected (I don’t know… does that sound like a copout to you. Sure does, doesn’t it).

2009 was a tough year for most – just ask the US economy or Nokia! Recession, countless freak natural disasters mergers and management change, So You Think You Can Dance moving to fall instead of summer, George dying in Grey’s Anatomy – shit was going down everywhere. And while I can use all of that to rationalize the mundane 12 months that I’ve had, I know I am mostly to blame… I sit here on my bed and contemplate the to-ing and fro-ings of the past year, I can’t help but feel a little disappointed with myself.

It was a drag yourself out of bed and go to work year, and that’s not how to I like to live my life.

Granted I accomplished 5 out of the 8 resolutions I carved in blog-stone last year… But to tell you the truth, those resolutions weren’t the most vivacious or grandiose. So maybe that’s where it all stemmed from… Let’s take a quick review shall we…


New Year’s Resolutions for 2009

- I will quit smoking – Basically done
- I will work less, but work better/faster/smarter – FAIL
- I will make more friends in Singapore – OK, not bad. But I think I need to make more “friend” friends and less “acquaintance” friends
- I will make an effort to explore Singapore – Done son!
- I will ride the Singapore Flyer! – Twice.
- I will start writing, if not finish writing, my book – MAJOR FAIL
- I will keep in contact with friends that aren’t located in the country I currently reside in – EPIC FAIL
- I will go to the gym, start taking protein supplements and look like a stud – Fodamsho. Have you seen my triceps lately?


So basically, here’s my resolution to the flaccidity of 2009 (hahaha. I like puns). I set better resolutions for next year! Fool proof right?!?! YES! That old “shoot for the moon…” aphorism comes to mind. So, with some regurgitated unaccomplished well liked resolutions from 2009, here goes.


New Year’s Resolutions for 2010


- I will work less, but work better/faster/smarter OR get a new fucking job
- I will make closer friends in Singapore
- I will keep in contact with family and friends that aren’t located in the country I currently reside in
- Deliberately seek/cause debauchery (the awesome, sexy, cool kind of course!)
- I will travel a lot more to seek/cause said debauchery. How about at least 3-4 trips that are NOT to manila
- Use my digicam to capture said debauchery
- Keep working out, and that stomach flab into muscle ab.
- Oh and I gotta blog more. Shit.


Again, 8 resolutions. Let’s see how I fair… I’m gonna print this shit out and stick it on my wall. No joke. Better watch out 2010… I’m coming for you, biatch! Bring it! Imma kick cho ass so hard, my toes’ll tickle your tonsils! ;p

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

"Suit Up!" Office-Jacques (batteries sold separately)

OK. so I took this quick 5 minute test provided by my company that is supposed to give mea short perspective about my current professional persona - how I act and feel in the office, what motivates me professionally, my management style, etc. It was a short 2 question survey that had me identify a words from a long list of adjectives that described how I feel others in the company perseve me and how I really feel I am.


Anyways, I think the results were spot on!!!! Like 95 percent!!! It's pretty damn scary actually. I had my direct report read it and she said it was pretty fucking accurate. Well, have a read at the results and you tell me.





The results of the Predictive Index® survey should always be reviewed by a trained Predictive Index analyst. The PI Reporter® provides you with a brief overview of the results of the Predictive Index® and prompts you to consider many aspects of the results not contained in the overview. If you have not yet attended the Predictive Index® Management Workshop, please consult someone who has attended in order to complete the report.


STRONGEST BEHAVIORS
Jacques Reyes's PI Pattern is extremely wide, which means that his behaviors are very strongly expressed and his needs are very strongly felt.

Jacques Reyes will most strongly express the following behaviors:
- Intense proactivity and aggressiveness in driving to reach his goals. Actively and boldly challenges the world, his business, and even others' areas within his business.
- Strongly independent in putting forth his own ideas, which are innovative and original, and if implemented, will change the organization. Resourceful and forceful in overcoming obstacles, he vigorously and directly attacks problems; fights back hard when challenged.
- Incredibly strong sense of urgency; he's in nearly constant motion, putting pressure on himself and others for immediate results. Unable to do routine work.
- Connecting very quickly to others, he's strongly motivated to build and leverage relationships to get work done. Openly and easily shares information about himself.
- Strikingly expressive, effusive, and verbal in communicating; he talks a lot, and very quickly.
- Enthusiastically persuades and motivates others by adjusting his message and delivery to the current recipient.
- Very collaborative, he works almost exclusively with and through others. Strong intuitive understanding of team cohesion, dynamics, and interpersonal relations.


SUMMARY
Jacques Reyes is a confident, independent self-starter with competitive drive, initiative, a sense of urgency, and the ability to make decisions and take responsibility for them. He can react and adjust quickly to changing conditions and come up with ideas for dealing with them.

His drive is purposeful, directed at getting things done quickly. He responds positively and actively to challenge and pressure, and he has confidence in his ability to handle novel problems and people. He is an outgoing, poised person, a lively and enthusiastic communicator, tending to be a little more authoritative than persuasive in his style. Jacques Reyes talks briskly, with assurance and conviction and is a stimulating influence on others, while being firm, direct, and self-assured in dealing with them.

His work pace is distinctly faster-than-average. He learns and takes action quickly. On the other hand, he will become impatient and restless working repetitively with routine details or structured work, will delegate such work if his position permits, and will follow up, focusing on completion and accomplishment, rather than how things were done. With an interest in other people and their development, Jacques Reyes will delegate authority, limiting such delegation to people in whom he has high levels of confidence, and following up with pressure for timely results.

He makes decisions about people and situations quickly. He assesses what's generally going on, and rather than exhaustively research, pulls together the information he has and takes action forcefully. He's confident in his assumptions about any missing information, and is comfortable acting even in the absence of complete information. For Jacques Reyes, continual progress towards the general goal is more important than always being exactly on track; he's flexible and will make course corrections as necessary, when the time arises.

Sure of himself, Jacques Reyes sets high standards of achievement for himself and others and looks for opportunities to compete and to win. Venturesome, he is stimulated by new challenges and situations, and is generally driving himself and others to new horizons. He is ambitious both for himself and for the business which employs him.


MANAGEMENT STYLE
As a manager of people or projects, Jacques Reyes will be:
- Broadly focused; his attention is on where he's bringing his team, and what goals he wants them to achieve, rather than on the specifics of how they will get there
- Comfortable delegating details and implementation plans
- Reluctant to delegate true authority; he will discuss ideas with others, and is open to their view points, but will only change his mind when the idea better helps his overall goal
- Quick to follow-up on delegated tasks, generally asking more whether it's finished than how it was accomplished
- Constantly looking to improve performance and ability to compete
- Inclusive and team-building
- Direct and quick to voice his opinion of how things are going.


MANAGEMENT STRATEGIES
To maximize his effectiveness, productivity, and job satisfaction, consider providing Jacques Reyes with the following:
- As much independence and flexibility in his activities as possible
- Opportunities to learn and advance
- Opportunities for expression of, and action on, his own ideas and initiatives
- Variety and challenge in his responsibilities
- Opportunities to prove himself, and recognition and reward for doing so
- Freedom from routines and repetitive details, balanced by accountability for results.


Copyright © 1994-2000, 2002, 2005 by Praendex, Inc. All rights reserved.


Sunday, September 20, 2009

Weddings and Butterflies

September 20, 2009
12:26am

I just got back from a colleague’s wedding – the second wedding I have attended in here in the Lion City – and I have to say… these Singaporean Chinese wedding do have their own unique traits to them and it takes a little getting using to. I mean ok, there’s some really cool things like the 10 course dinners with shark’s fin soup, steamed fish, roast duck and some kind of noodle. There’s also the giving of Ang Pao (did I spell that right) instead of having a registry list…

But there’s also some things that are… well, different. The emperor-like entrance of the first course complete with fog machine, laser light show, and Chinese opera music. There’s also the bride’s costume change from her traditional white wedding gown to a bold-colored formal evening dress (think burgundies, crimsons, chameleon plums). Or the fact that there is no band or dancing at the end of the event (I think this is what I miss the most ).

The thing with weddings is that it’s one of those days that will change your life forever. As I lay here in bed clicking away on my lappie, listening to cheese love songs, and exhausted from the day’s events – I can only imagine what fatigue the Bride and Groom (Dorothy and Mike) must be going through. Her feet dying from the 4 inch heels; his face sore from the excessive smiling; Both of them stepping into a whole new world – walking hand-in-hand, brimming with excitement and trepidation.

I imagine it’s just like graduation or quitting your job or moving countries… Years to get there, months of planning and in one day, it’s all over. The experience will wind down and the night will draw to a close. Then you wake up the next morning asking yourself if it really happened or if it was all just one of those very intricate dreams that you unexplainably remember quite well. As you smudge the sleep out of from your eyes, you look around and reality hits you… Shit, I actually did that! Hehe (nervous laughter).

Just the thought of it reawakens the digestive butterflies of years past. Your stomach is a little twisted, and your chest feels tighter than normal. You close your eyes and a part of you hopes that it actually never happened so you can cling to the comforts of past present. But then you open your eyes, throw off the sheets and get out of bed. Shit ain’t gonna happen if you hibernate all day. And you know deep down that the new day isn’t so bad. Sometimes, it’s actually really really fucking good! Sometimes.

So thank God for those butterflies; coz it’s those butterfly moments that lets you know you’re alive. And being alive makes life worth living.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Hook a brother up...

I need a boyfriend. So if you know someone handsome, funny, smart, eligible and absolutely great (coz I'm a pretty decent catch you know...), well then hook a brother up. Preferrably in the same country as me...

As Kate Monster sang,

I'm kinda pretty and pretty damn smart.
I like romantic things like theater and art!
And as you know I have a gigantic heart,
So why don't I have a boyfriend?!?!?
FUCK, its sucks to be me!


Hahaha. It was a tough week... Kinda makes me wish I had someone to cuddle with and tell me that it was all gonna be ok.

Peace and good night!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Swan Song for Hong Kong

About 10 months ago, I had been in Singapore for about 2 weeks – new job, new country, new life. I was sitting on the bed of my Singapore hotel room, overlooking the City Hall district with a view of the Singapore Flyer in the distance. I was semi-frustrated with work and life. I was slightly depressed and felt emotionally incoherent.

Now, it’s the last night of my Hong Kong holiday trip – great company, reminiscent location, distinctly new memories. I’m sitting here, in my Hong Kong hotel room over looking Nathan Road with Mongkok in the distance. Jumee’s asleep already and I am here, hanging on to last few hours of my escape to this expressive urban-Asian paradise.

I love Hong Kong and I don’t want to fly back to reality.

Maybe it’s because I have fond memories of Hong Kong (from last year and the from my youth – mostly Ocean Park and Toys R Us and some random tiring adventures in Mongkok with Mom)… Or maybe my experiences with this metropolitan playground have just been too skewed towards fun, and are ridiculously biasing my perceptions… Or maybe its because deep deep deep down, I know Singapore’s not really cutting it for me (Yes, I know I have to give it time – blah blah blah – I am giving SG a chance! Promise! And I will continue to for at least another year or so, I think). Whatever the case, I am drawn to the sordidly sexy yet, sophisticatedly sleek microcosm of a town that is Hong Kong.

The last time I visited HK was a about a year ago with my mom and 3 brothers (sadly Margaux and Chuck couldn’t make it). All of my previous trips have always been with family. This trip was different, this was the first time I really experienced Hong Kong as an independent adult… and man was it amazing. Granted the shopping and touristy stuff were still there (Another!. H&M, Uniclo, Harbor City/Ocean Terminal, Soho, Hollywood Rd, etc). But man was the night life is amazing! Only really went to Lan Kwai Fong and Causeway Bay… but shit dude, Dragon Eye and Volar were topnotch in my book.

I think Hong Kong is a great bustling metropolis functioning in both aged eastern heritage and progressive western pulsations. The city is true to form with its international capacity and baller mentality, and it is brimming with explosive excitement and go-get ‘em energy. So as I heavy-heartedly say goodbye to this magical city, I make a pact with myself to one day live life here. It may take a few years but Hong Kong, I’ll be back and one of these days it’ll be to stay for a while! That’s a promise.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Wor(se)kaholic!

Is it really obvious that i'm that big of a workaholic? Haha. I guess its true. I've heard my mother, siblings, and co-workers talk about me in the same light. Dunno. I think I'm just a do whatever it takes kinda guy. in reality, it would be weird for me to leave work before 7 (maybe coz i get to the office at 10) or not work a few weekends in a row. If the shoe fits, right...

I've been a slave to the corporate life for 2+ years now, and this is the only way i really know how to function. Maybe its the nature of my industry - market research has been known to suck the life out of many a young eagerly wide-eyed consultants. Or maybe it's because i work agency side - client is always king and you just do what you gotta do to keep 'em happy.. Or maybe its the fact that, in reality, i'm actually really not that good and i use the extra hours to compensate for my not so obvious but quite actual lack in business acumen. (insecure much?)

Sigh. In any case it sucks to be sick. Well it sucks and it doesn't suck. It doesn't suck coz for a day or 2, you have an excuse not to reply to emails, attend any meetings or answer any phone calls. True, they can call or email... But you can be "so sick" or concentrating on "trying to recover" that you just could answer them. It's not that you didn't want to, it just you physically couldn't. Or at least that's what you tell your co-workers and you slave the rest of the 99% of the time so they are bound to believe you. Haha.

But it also sucks coz deep down (well not so deep), i just want to do my best and give it all that i got. You know, conquer that bitch of a project and own the sucker. And i can't do that when i'm sick! Dammit!

The bottom line is i'm just starting to recover (as in just healthy enough not to get quarrantined) from a pretty nasty non-h1n1 bug, my flight leaves in 3 and a half hours, i haven't and couldn't sleep a wink whatsoever... so i check my work email while I'm in bed from under my cover using my phone... I even replied to a few peeps in london who had apparently already left the office... How sad is that. I think i eventually need to fix this.

PS - I wrote and uplpaded this entry exclusively from my phone (hence please forgive the occasional abrevoation, misspelling or miscapitalization). How cool is that! Um, but seriously this smartphone business is not quite the useful anti-workaholic remedy i'm looking for if ya know what i mean...

Thursday, June 25, 2009

A Few Good Men

June 25, 2009
1:33AM


I know father’s day is 5 days overdue… andI haven’t seen or spoken to my Dad in over 3 years, so there was nothing for me to celebrate… But I wanted to take this opportunity to personally acknowledge and commend a few men who have made an impact in my life. My role models, mentors, providers, and safe keepers. These are my fathers. Through them I have learned to be a man and want to thank them with all my heart, even if just through this flimsy little blog of mine.

GP – If I you asked me who my genuine father-figure was, it would be my eldest brother GP. He epitomizes self-made success wading in a champagne pool of style and cool. He is the gold standard. GP is the one I look to for approval. If he approves, if he is pleased – then I know I’ve done ok... And because of that, GP – more so than anyone else – is the one person I am most afraid to disappoint. That distinct fear is what I assume most functional kids have with their fathers. So in effect, he is mine.

Paul – If GP is the Padre-de-familia, Paul is the quintessential Kuya. The perfect example of what a big brother should be. When I am faced with a particularly sensitive dilemma, I ask myself… How would Paul handle this? What would he say? How would he make this right? Also a self-made success in his own right (might even be more successful, dunno really), Paul is my personal archetype of fairness, due-process and hard work. I aspire to be so much of what he already is.

Cholo – My pader. Through sin and sun and everything in between, this man truly know what it means to rise from the ashes and be reborn. From him, I have learn so many things… That fun and positivity know no age, gender, sexual preference or socio-economic stature. That being just that much nicer is easy to do and goes a long way. That charity and selflessness come back to you 100 fold. That truly being yourself is a beautiful honesty that other people acknowledge, accept and gravitate to.

Raff – If I ever had a father when I was living in LA, it would be this guy. I always felt that he cared for me and protected me in the ways he knew how. Living in LA, I never really felt scared or unsafe because I knew that in one phone call Raff and Margaux would drive to my rescue – no ifs or buts or questions asked. He will make a fantastic father one day.

Tito Derek –This man is probably one of the (if not the) most giving man I have met in my life. In reality, I would not be where I am today if he did not co-sign my loans. While in the states, he was also a surrogate father to me, providing me food and having me over for those thanksgiving dinners. I am forever indebted to him. Thank you so much Tito Derek.

Sir John Aque – My PCO advisor at Glendale Community College. I haven’t kept in touch with this man, and that is a huge shame. What’s even sadder is I don’t think he knows how much he really impacted my life in the short year and a half we spent interacting closely together. He was the first “adult” I came out to outside of my family. He helped get me into USC. He always told me that I was meant to do great things. And at that time, I really needed to hear that. Sir John, you just don’t know how much you’ve helped me and probably hundreds of other kids…

Esmeraldo Z. Izon – My mother’s father. Much of my family and personal values stems from this man. He was a beacon of strength, patriotism, and principles. I feel cheated by the fates, that I did not get to know him on a deeper personal level. Thank you Lolo for being the man that you were, and for helping make me the man I am today.

Lastly, and lo and behold it’s not a man

My Mom – The human being who singlehandedly took on the role of mother and father to 6 starkly unique, not always easy to handle kids. I always gush about my mom, so I’ll keep this brief. My mom sacrificed a life full of sky high hopes and endless potential to raise us. In the epic sense of the word’s historic Greek origins, she is a hero.


I am a man today because of them. These are my father.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Is it tomorrow or today?

March 13, 2009
12:08 AM

It's midnight on a Thursday/Friday… and I’m still at work. Just got off the phone with Argentina (where it's 2:00pm) Still working my ass off. What’s new right. Today wasn’t a bad day though… Not great, but not bad either. It was actually pretty ok, even bordering on good.

I’m tired but I’m gonna keep going. That’s what we do – us young kids in a hurry. Its all about now now now! More more more! I’m hoping one day this will all pay off.

Anyways, I took a break and found this video on youtube. It’s a song by Chester See (He’s such a cutie!) called “I Want to Live Tomorrow Today”. It pretty much summarizes how my mental state at the moment.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QusOeM9rr3s

Peace and much love!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Soles of my Shoes

Wednesday March 3, 2008
12:31AM


I’m listening to a video of Victor Kim (Quest Crew) sing a cover of Into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie. And I don’t know… I just got all nostalgic all of a sudden.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBjEcCMhoqI

I have to admit, I’ve watched Quest Crew’s episode 7 sets like a gazillion times. And I can’t help but think that I used to be like that… like 10,000 times worse… but I used to have at least a toe dipped into that world. My life so long ago but not. So far away but not.

Anyways, Victor’s singing acapella in an apartment bedroom somewhere… probably somewhere in LA I assume. And as I listened to him croon his best Cutie impression, I missed it all. And not even the big things… I started to miss the little things.

I miss…

…walking in Little Tokyo on a weeknight in the middle at like 11pm, all quiet and deserted, and getting Starbucks right before they close. I miss that statue of that Japanese American ambassador guy sitting on that bench
…the crisp chill of the Los Angeles Air. You know, the need a sweater but not a coat chill
… $1 Thrifty ice cream at rite-aid
…those ugly apartments with floor to ceiling closet mirrors, semi-grungy carpets, and that old hand-me-down couch
…that Japanese supermarket on Sawtelle and Olympic with the pre-packed bento boxes
… the old Barnes and Noble on Glendale Ave. and spending hours reading magazines I’m not going to buy, then having some panda express next door. I miss the small Asian girl at that panda express with the really awesome eye make up
…driving around and going no where. Taking one freeway after another after another. Not knowing where I am exactly, but being ok about it
…the 2 Freeway
…Hollister shirts that say “California”, “Santa Monica”, “Huntington Beach” or some other California-esque thing
…taking a Sunday afternoon to walk around in old Pasadena and watching movies by myself or with my sister in that movie theater by the Johnny rockets
…the Onion Rings at Johnny Rockets and at Habit Burger
…K-town pho at 3am and then boba after that
…doing 10 loads of laundry all at once at the laundo-mat on Colorado and Fischer, and getting a McDonald’s sundae while my clothes were in the dryer
…the awesome silver coffee maker at my sister’s house
…Ralph’s Supermarket.
…all those thrift shops: thrift alley behind the Glendale Presbyterian Church with all the cool ties, It’s a Wrap and American Way in Burbank, Family Store on Broadway, and that huge one in Long Beach with the pile sale!
…that Chinese restaurant on Broadway, the one that Tita Betty first took me too, the one with sesame chicken and Mongolian beef!
…Swork. Montrose and Eagle Rock. A little pricey, but free internet!
…the beach. On a hot sunny day in boardshorts and sunglasses or on a cold fall afternoon on a blanket in jeans and a jacket.


I guess the grass will always be greener. Just the soles of my shoes - emotional scratches on leather. Nothing to cry about…

Sunday, February 1, 2009

I’m Not Happy Anymore…

February 1, 2009 – 5:11pm
The Starbucks at Bugis Junction



I love this Mall – Bugis Junction. It’s my mall here in Singapore. Just like the Galleria in Glendale or the Westfield in Century City. In the last 5 months, this mall has been a sort of hub for me. I exist in with all these people buzzing around me, yet I feel oblivious to them and them to me. There’s some strange sense of anonymous safety.

I’m at Starbucks, casually sitting on a velvet slipper chair on a Sunday afternoon lazily sipping on my lukewarm coffee and watching random snippets on YouTube (BTW, Quest Crew on ABDC is effing SICK!!!!). I’m not at work, I haven’t checked my work email since I left the office on Friday, I haven’t been gone to work this weekend, I haven’t gone to work on a weekend in a while, and I don’t really want to go to work tomorrow.

I hate that. I hate hating to go to work. I hate sitting at my desk on a Thursday afternoon anxiously watching the clock on the bottom left corn of my screen, grinding my teeth in anticipation for the numbers to hit 6 - 0 - 0. It sucks. In my second week at work, 10 days after I got to Singapore, I wrote a blog about my new job… And I basically asked myself, what the hell I got myself into. Fuck. I tried so hard to make it work. But fuck, this is ridiculous.

Company aside, country aside, co-workers aside… I love my job; I love what I do. I love it so much that I don’t usually mind stay till midnight on a weekday or going to the office on the weekends. I like thinking about what I want to accomplish at work and how I’m going to do better tomorrow. Sometimes I get so excited that I stay up in bed thinking about all the things I’m learning and how fast I’m growing.

That’s t not the case here. I’m not Happy anymore. Was I ever here?

Aside from 2 people at work (A director at work who’s not even in my line management, but I consider my mentor and my cube-mate who is awesome), no one knows. Not my family, not my friends, not my bosses at work, not no-one not know how.

It’s funny, I got my confirmation-of-permanent-employment letter this past Friday – one whole month before they were supposed to give it to me. My company is more than happy with my performance, that is no secret… “I was the jewel of 2008.” With that said, I am less than happy with my company’s performance. Thus, my official confirmation in Research International is, well, bittersweet. I’m good at what I do; really good. And it’s not like I’m scared of losing my job – they want me. But staying here will be like a zombie eating me alive from the inside out.

I have a scheduled meeting on Tuesday with the soon-to-be Managing Director of the Singapore Office (His position will be officially effective in the next few months, but the transition will be progressive starting 2009). I am going to tell him about my situation, and I’m going to tell him that something needs to change; I won’t put up with this crap anymore. In my mind I have 3 options:

1. Move teams and projects but stay in the same office
2. Move offices but stay in the same company (I’m thinking maybe HK)
3. Move jobs altogether (SG or HK?)

Deep deep deep down, I want to get out of that office. But in reality, I’ve only been there 5 going on 6 months, and I don’t want other companies to look at me like a job-hopper. So there are a number of things to consider here, and I am nervous. Wish me luck; I’ll need it.

Monday, January 26, 2009

HONK!

January 26, 2009
1:47am


Theater in Singapore is cheap. Cheap. Cheap. Cheap. Cheap. Cheap. Ok, well, definitely cheaper than in LA. And probably comparable to Manila prices – which is cheap. I love it. So I’ve made a promise to watch at least one production a month, if not more.

I went to watch Honk! The Musical (a musical based on the story of the ugly duckling) last night at the Victoria Theater and I had a blast of a time. Granted, I like theater and musicals (not surprising), so I do find most production fun. This particular show was a college production with a college cast of the expected college caliber (However, the girl who played the Mother Duck was a rockstar-stand out!), but I found this musical a little more poignant than that last few productions I have watched.

By default, the classic tale of the Ugly Duckling is one of discrimination and segregation leading to the universal feel-good messages of love and acceptance. And while the subject matter crosses the border into the land of the juvenile, the things those duck characters were singing on stage really got to me.

You see, I will always be different. And it’s ok – at least I keep telling myself that it’s ok. Most people will never really understand me and some people might not even accept me… But I’ve got to keep on keeping on. I’ve been out now for what… 4 years… and you know what it doesn’t get that much easier. With each new person I meet, I feel like I’m thrown back into the closet. With each new person, I have to come out again. And when you’re in Singapore, all of this gets much more complicated. I’m not ashamed of who I am, but I’m not looking for trouble either.

Anyways, below I wrote the lyrics to one of the songs from Honk!. I changed some of the words to make it less poultry-centric and more human-applicable. Sometimes I feel this way, but I deal with it. Regardless, it’s always comforting to know that you’re not alone… that others are going through the same things you’re going though, feeling the same things you’re feeling. Even if that other is a duck. Quack! HONK!


DIFFERENT

I’m just different
I’m just different from what they say
And who can blame them for wanting to look the other way
But different isn’t naughty
Different isn’t bad
So why should being different make me sad

I’m just different
They’re like peas from the same pod
No wonder they make fun of me
Life’s harder when you’re odd
But different isn’t scary
Different is no threat.
And though I’m still they’re brother
They forget

I didn’t choose to be this way
I didn’t want to be unique
I didn’t ask to so different
Or to feel like such a freak
There’s a runt in every litter
A black sheep in every flock
But when you know it’s you somehow your ego takes a knock

I’m just different
But I have a sense of pride
I may put up a strong front for you
But I hurt the same inside
Different isn’t spiteful
Different isn’t wrong

So why is it so hard to get along
I only want to get along
Different isn’t hateful
Different could be swell
Different is well
Different