Connections

December 26, 2011 – 1135am

Connections. Sparks. Chemistry. Fireworks. That all elusive feeling of electricity that you get when you’re with that person, talking to that person, kissing that person, thinking about the person. I hate that feeling – mostly because it’s so hard to find it. True be told – I opposite of hate that feeling. It’s impossible to manufacture, impossible to reproduce. It’s either there or it’s not there.

You can’t fake the fireworks – that’s what I always say… The last few days has reminded me of this fact. Being here, in this place, the words keep ringing in my head – “You can’t fake the fireworks”.

Maybe it’s the nature of the season. I love the holidays… Christmas is the arguably the most romantic time of the year. The air is crisp, and romance is ripe for the picking.

These last few days have been amazing. Connections abound. Sparks everywhere. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that the abundance of it all would come so easy and plentiful. But apparently it has. And I’m ecstatic; cautiously so, but still ecstatic! Because now I know it’s possible. Now I know that I can connect to someone so cerebrally and so fervently in such a short span of time, that I can get excited by cleaver quips and profound conversation, that I can satisfy my insatiable desire to be challenged, that my passion and wit and strength of character can be matched… that I don’t have to settle for mediocrity.

Don’t get me wrong. None of it is perfect. There are complexities and inadvertent deal breakers. The grey areas outnumber the not-so-grey areas. And I predict most of this will fade with the chill of Manila’s cool December breeze. But it’s ok. Because who am I to fight the omnipotent combination of fate and chemistry. Because I should just go with the flow. Because all of this will be great stories to tell to my grandkids. Because at least now I know that it can happen and that I should wait until it happens again. Hopefully, when it happens again, the stars will align and the fates will dictate forever. For now, I bask in the exhilarating radiance that these feelings give me. A happy holiday indeed.

Here's to you

Here's to you and your bar. To your long list of broken promises. To your games and fancy words. To holding my hand in the car. To our first kiss. To your last. To the first year still feeling like the first night. To your 3 years.

I hope I one day get over this...

Here's to you.



To you,

Sorry if I jumped off that car. I promise I wouldn't but I did. Another one in the long list of promises that i failed to keep. Although every night and waking moment i pray for that ride again, I don't think you will ever let me in. But just know that i am terribly sorry. More for hurting you with the jump than the jump itself. I'll take all these bruises with me. I cant help but feel bad for the others that will come after you because this i know with certainty: they will always always fall short. You did not set the bar too high. You are the bar.

With much love for always,

The one who blew it.

Year End Review 2011

December 1, 2011

And so it is… As night fell, the boy lay down to rest under the stars. “It has been an abundant year,” he thought to himself. The Sky looked back at the boy and agreed, fanning a gentle breeze as if to reward him. The Sky was very pleased with the boy, for the boy had worked hard and worked smart. “I have big plans for you, little one,” the Sky whispered in the breeze. The boy gave a slow single nod revealing his avid anticipation. Then his eyes started to grow heavy, and sleep bathed his body like the promised warmth of a mislaid partner's touch. Before he closed his eyes, the boy looked at the Sky and smiled with abundant gratitude. For he could not wait to wake up in the morning and do it all over again.

Happy World AIDS Day

12:53am

Taking a break from FB and procrastinating sleep

I get tested every summer. Every summer without fail. I’ve been doing it now for a few years. Regards of whether I’m single or with someone, active or not… I get tested. It’s always scary, always nerve wrecking. But I somehow find enough droplets of courage to do it anyways.

In the days, hours, minutes before and while you wait; so many thing run through your head… What would I do if it was bad news? How I would break the news or would I hide it from everyone? Would I take my own life? Who would go to my funeral? What would they say… “Oh what a shame.” “He was such a good boy.” “Such promise with such a great future ahead of him…” What would I tell my Mom?

It’s freaky – the shit your head can do to you. And for a few moments during the whole ordeal, I drive myself slightly insane with all the creative trappings of plausible notions that I come up with in my head. But I do it anyways; I get tested…Because it’s the right thing to do. Because not knowing would drive me even more insane. Because I’d rather know. Because knowing is half the battle.

I have a friend from LA, and he… she is HIV positive. She got it when we were in college. She knows that she’s made mistakes; she was young and young kids make mistakes. This is a hefty chunk of penitence. And you know what, she is one of the most affirmatively vivacious, powerfully buoyant people that I know. And to some extent, I owe part of who I have become to her… So partly, I do it for her. Because she deserves that… at the very least she deserves that…

I love this video for so many reasons. I love how genuine and beautifully the film shows the intimacy between 2 men. I love that it’s Singaporean because it steers the message just a little closer to home. I love how they drive the message straight to you, cleverly detouring passed your heart strings along the way for added emotional equity. Superb.

So tonight, I say a little prayer to the over 40 million people living with this virus all over the world. I am sending the world some love and strength tonight. I hope it’s able to reach you one way or another. Much love.