My soaking wet reflection

November 8, 2011

5:23pm

Sitting in my bedroom in Manila after going for a run and getting soaked in the rain

I went for a run just now. Nothing fancy or elaborate…. Just a run around my house in Paranaque– down the block, up the next street, then round back in a circle. I hadn’t been running for more than 25 minutes when it started to rain. And not like the moderate drizzle you get in Singapore. It was the giant cats and dogs drops you get in monsoon countries like the Philippines, the kind that stings a little when it hits your skin. It was that kind of rain.

I had just started another lap when it began to pour, and it was a choice whether to turn around and go back or to power through and run that last round. And as one foot stepped after the other, I thought to myself, “when was the last time you played in the rain…” So I kept on going, and ran that last few strides. Running just a little fast, with a stupid grin on my face.

The last few days have been tough. Mistake upon mistake. Guilt after guilt. But it is time for a new leaf. Time to look forward and to do what needs to be done and to power forward. It’s not easy. It’s dark, cold and wet. You’re all alone. You could get sick or hurt. But deep down (not even that deep down), you know how to get home and you know what the right thing to do is. You know it in your gut.

So with that, I wipe myself off and wash the rain away. I take a good look in the mirror and see all the many things that I can still improve, things I can change for the better. That’s what I’m going concentrate on for now. I am a good man, and I was brought up right. I do not want to let my mom and my family down. I don’t want to let myself down. I need to make a difference, I need to make a change…

As the plane takes off...

Nov. 4
1205am
Right before departure, in my seat distraught with the flight attendant motioning me to kill my phone.


Caught in a web that I helped make. Was I asking for this... How did it happen... I don't...

That phone call shook me, like a violent jolt. I didn't lie. But I did say, I woudn't get involved.

I don't know what I want, I don't know how I feel.. But do know this I will be thinking of u... U might not know it... But I will be...

Just like how u were thinking of me... The pandas were cute, one of the few things that made me smile in the last few hours...

Good night singapore. Good morning mainla.

Dreaming something in between...

November 3, 2011
The day after my birthday enroute to Manila
9:51pm

It almost 10pm and I should leave for the Airport soon... My flight's at 00:15am, so I still have time... I'm hesitant to go, and yet I know I need to... To get away. To stop thinking. To get some sleep.

The last week has been an amazing, scary, unbelievable, immoral surreality. Sometimes when I lay awake at night, I am convinced that it all wasn't real. That it was all just a dream and life was still as simple as it was before all that fuzziness kicked in... before the sparks... before I asked why it didn't happen sooner.

But it did happen. And things are messy now. And I don't know how I feel. And I don't know what to do. The whole thing is neither here nor there - somewhere in between - and I don't know what to do... So I shall run. Go back to home and figure this shit out.

In the meantime, I clasp on to that piece of metal dangling onto my chest and I will bask in this unexplanable feeling... an amalgamation of butterflies, guilt, envy, longing, nostalgia, and hope. I'll see you when I get back...

The other side...

Its. 2:45am. I ran 12km today. I should be tired as fuck. But I can't sleep. I just keep thinking...

I keep thinking how funny how things happen... how things turned out. At least now I know how it feels to be on the other side of the line...