As the plane takes off...

Nov. 4
1205am
Right before departure, in my seat distraught with the flight attendant motioning me to kill my phone.


Caught in a web that I helped make. Was I asking for this... How did it happen... I don't...

That phone call shook me, like a violent jolt. I didn't lie. But I did say, I woudn't get involved.

I don't know what I want, I don't know how I feel.. But do know this I will be thinking of u... U might not know it... But I will be...

Just like how u were thinking of me... The pandas were cute, one of the few things that made me smile in the last few hours...

Good night singapore. Good morning mainla.

Dreaming something in between...

November 3, 2011
The day after my birthday enroute to Manila
9:51pm

It almost 10pm and I should leave for the Airport soon... My flight's at 00:15am, so I still have time... I'm hesitant to go, and yet I know I need to... To get away. To stop thinking. To get some sleep.

The last week has been an amazing, scary, unbelievable, immoral surreality. Sometimes when I lay awake at night, I am convinced that it all wasn't real. That it was all just a dream and life was still as simple as it was before all that fuzziness kicked in... before the sparks... before I asked why it didn't happen sooner.

But it did happen. And things are messy now. And I don't know how I feel. And I don't know what to do. The whole thing is neither here nor there - somewhere in between - and I don't know what to do... So I shall run. Go back to home and figure this shit out.

In the meantime, I clasp on to that piece of metal dangling onto my chest and I will bask in this unexplanable feeling... an amalgamation of butterflies, guilt, envy, longing, nostalgia, and hope. I'll see you when I get back...

The other side...

Its. 2:45am. I ran 12km today. I should be tired as fuck. But I can't sleep. I just keep thinking...

I keep thinking how funny how things happen... how things turned out. At least now I know how it feels to be on the other side of the line...

Dim Light

I know you read this so... Yeah...
I saw the video posts. So nostalgic, circa 1 year ago...
No regrets. No reservations. No expectations.
Just know, I'm thinking about you.

Maybe some regret. But not the way you think.
I don't have a jar, and I'm not collecting hearts.
I'm not out to hurt anybody.
I hope you know that.

I've said "Fuck" today so many times...
With fear, excitement, longing, nervousness, guilt.
I don't know what I'm doing or thinking or feeling.
Fuck.

But here i am all alone, the lights turned down to low
With the room - cold and crisp, bathed in a comforting glow
As sleep evades my soul, I think of you tonight

And when I close my eyes, It's you I see in that dim light


Smile and Good Night

Those who teach...

October 6, 2011

12:34pm

I took a sick day coz I was super tired…

2 or 3 months ago, I went to KL for a business/leisure trip. It was a pretty fun trip… I did the obligatory L’Oreal responsibilities, but I also met up with a few friends and had a blast along the way. I met up with Joshie - a friend of an ex, who is now weirdly closer to me that he is to my ex (No complaints J); we had dinner and watched this semi-cheesy rom-com flick with Julia Roberts and Tom Hanks about a middle aged college dropout going  back to community college and his borderline trashy, slightly trashy, yet unconvincingly inspiring professor. It was one of those movies you catch on HBO or the Lifestyle Network at 11pm; the ones you don’t really want to watch but you can be bothered to get up and do something else or channel surf for something better.

Anyways, the movie wasn’t half bad… but it wasn’t half good either. The one thing it did do for me was remind me of all the wonderful professor and teachers I’ve had in the long, arduous and completely fulfilling journey that was my academic life. I was fortunate to have has a handful of exemplar mentors and educators who have shaped and molded the way I look at things and see the world. So as I was stepping out of that theater in KL, with Joshie and I cursing the movie for its cinematic lackings, I also told myself that I would blog about the some of the teachers I hold closely in my heart. While its months late, here goes:

Ms. Monsod. My HS Theater teacher. She fostered as spark, a fire that was in me. When all things were unclear and blurry in my life being in her class and her productions allowed me to be the truest possible me that I could have been at that time in my life. Theater gave me an outlet and an excuse to be crazier that was allowed. She was the facilitator.

Ms. Vicky. My HS Guidance councilor. Whenever I was having a shit day or just tired of life, I would step into her office… I could spend 5 minutes or 2 hours there as did hundreds of students before and after me. When we were with Vicky, we were part of something bigger… something more than the pimple teenage selves that we were. We were part of the legacy that was ISM, and as we sat in that photo-covered room you knew that some time ago someone was dealing with exactly what you were dealing with and that they turned out ok… It was comforting, as side from the darkness of the FAT, it was the most comforting place on campus…

Sir Acuna – Filipino. I don’t know how much academics I really learned from Sir. But he was just so much Fun. He was a great mentor and confidant. He always believed in me. His quotable quotes will never be forgotten… “amoeba proteus” “Have you ever seen a flying stapler” “Stand Erect!”

Ms. Ching – English and Creative Writing. 5 whole semesters with this woman makes some sort of impact. And while I had Tami as my physical and verbal outlet, Ms. Ching’s classes because my silent written outlets. Her creative writing class allowed me express so many scared and frightened thoughts in vague vehicles of poetic prose. It helped keep me sane.

Mr. Fagg – My HS Calculus teacher! Man, was his class tough 2 years with my grades continuously dropping from B+ to B to B- to C+. Derivatives and Integrals! I HATED that shit. But you know what, going through his class made Math classes in college soooo much easier. He was smart and wise and fair and kind. Respect.

Mr. Faustino – HS Vice Principal. This guy got me out of trouble a few times in my life. I think deep down he knew I was a good kid and that we were family… So I felt him looking out for me…

Cammy Wang – Director of the Learning Center at Woodbury University. My sanctuary at that school. She knew that I was bigger than Woodbury and she always encouraged me to find wider pastures.

Sir John Aque – My Community College Life Coach. When I was trying to understand what the hell my purpose was at GCC, he was there to be of guidance. He was there when I just simply needed a sane and reliable role model. And although I feel like I did let him down with PCO, I he still continues to be soooo proud of me!

Dr Wong Healy – Business Communications. My writing has always had a point of view. But I know how to write good business emails and correspondence because of her. The power of this weapon is so highly underestimated.

Dr. Wilbur – Advertising and Promotions. I learned that communicating through ads is different from communicating in general. He taught me the fundamentals of how to look at an ad, Why certain elements are included and how they are utilized.

Other Notable Mentions…

First Grade: Ms. Rodriguez

Second Grade: Ms Dadiego

Third Grade: Mr. Widel

Fourth Grade: Ms. Manosa

Fifth Grade: Mr. Yerro and Ms. Walsh

PE: Coach Castro, Coach Padilla, Coach Noli, Coach Abel

Middle School: Ms. Rucio, Ms. Bard-Loy, Mr. Quimpo, Ms. Vergel, Ms. Fowler, Ms. McGuire, Mr. Martin, Ms. Da Silva, Ms. Siew

High School: Ms. Samson, Mr. Matther, Mr. Crumrine, Nishido Sensei, Mr. Acuna, Marj, Mr. E, Ms. Tesalona, Ms. Nadora, Ms. Huang

Woodbury – Randy (Speech Communication), Brad Monsma (Critical Thinking),

GCC – Barb (Dance), Ken Gray (Theater), Melissa Randall (Dance),

USC –, Dr. Dennis Schorr (Global Marketing), Dr. Rakesh Niraj (Market Research and Analysis)

Time Out.

August 13, 2011
6:32pm on a Saturday at home. Taking it easy.

I’m lazing at home on a Saturday. I cancelled my plans and I have nothing to do. For the first time in a long time, I can watch DVDs and do laundry and catch up on back episodes of So You Think You Can Dance. I haven’t had so quiet “Me Time” in a while. It feels nice.

Actually, I’ve been meaning to write… its just that I’ve been busy. LOL. Really! No joke. I’ve barely had time for myself!

For the last few months – probably since I broke up with Aki – I’ve been busy. Intentionally or by twist of fate, my social calendar has been pretty packed. Drinks here, Dinner there, movies, dancing, beach trips, hanging out, concerts, plays, friends, dates, work, brothers, mother, travelling…  I’ve kind of just said yes to everything that’s come my way. Nikki M says I’m just being a “Yes” man, which is never really a bad thing. And it’s been so much fun. But also very tiring. So I’ve said no to drinks and cancelled a dinner, and I’m taking this Saturday off to chill and just relax.

I’m not complaining though, this year has shaped up to be a very eventful one indeed. I’m travelled to Manila, Kuala Lumpur, Bangkok, Shanghai, Manila, Kuala Lumpur and Nepal. Before the year ends, I’m planning to hit up Phuket, Bali, Los Angeles, Kuala Lumpur, Manila, and Hong Kong. Which means that I will have travelled an average of at least once a month! I’ll also have gone to 4 new places this year – Shanghai, Nepal, Phuket and Bali! Crazy!

I’ve also seen a crap load of live shows, plays, and concerts: Orozman and Zafira, Lion King (2x), Aida, Into the Woods, Jamie Lidell, John Legend, Santana, James Blunt… and I’m planning to see Equus and Laskar Pelangi next month!

Gosh I’ve really been blessed these last few months. How the rest of the year plays out is a mystery, but whatever happens, I know I’ve really lived it up. I’ve taken the Life by the horns and lived. Not just walked around aimlessly from home to work to gym to home. I’ve really lived, and I know I’ve touched some people hearts and made the world a slightly better place in my own way. Much Love.

Smiling Unknowingly

May 26, 2011
1:44am
I just decided to call in sick tomorrow...

I miss California. The Pier, the valley, the life… but mostly the people…


I was surfing youtube, found this song and that’s the first thing that came through my head… As soon as I heard those waves crashing onto Cali sands and saw Joseph glowing in the sunset with the Santa Monica Beach behind him… It made me want to wear a sweater, shades or maybe a beanie, jeans rolled up to my ankles, barefoot with my dunks dangling from my fingers as I stroll down the shore. The waves caress my feet and I smile unknowingly… because deep down I know life is good and God has his eye on me.

I look back at my life in California with so much love. I have so many fond memories… And as I plan my trip back to the golden state’s city of celebrity and glah-moore (if the PH embassy ever releases my new freaking passport!), I smile unknowingly… The edges of my lips curl up as the ghetto fabulous life of a not-so-Asian but no-so-American, dirt poor yet overly jovial, naively doe-eyed young college boy pretending to be a man flashes through my mind. Like watching the trailer of a low budget West Hollywood Indie flick shot in 9 days, I quickly reminisce the life I had back then…

Kimchi Tofu Soup and Pho 2000 at 3 in the morning, Panda Express and Barnes & Noble on Glendale Ave. J&J’s Dimsum and Korean BBQ with my Sis and Bro-in-law… My first real kiss on a futon on the floor of your typical Southern California apartment, my first real love and my first real love lost. Rage on Friday nights: Gameboi night. GCC and the Sierra Madre Dance Studio, rehearsals on pavement in front of Heritage, then Pink Berry froyo after. My first real job, my first real promotion, and my first real resignation. Hours and hours spent on 2, 5, 134, 110, 10, 101, 405…

LA was my playground – although we all know that I don’t play too much. Hahaha. But I learned a helluva lot… about school and work, life and love… I got to know myself, hidden under layers and layers of insecurities, self-deprecation and decisions… People around me got to know the real me and liked what they saw… and I learned that I was pretty nice guy if I just gave myself the chance. Not half bad.

Alas, I eventually left – forcefully so. But we all need to move on and, by nature of those two constantly moving hands, are forced to leave the past behind… Thankfully, I am fortunate enough to smile whenever I turn my head to see the path I have walked. So as I take it day by day and live the life of a man, I must say… those were a damn great 6 years. I had the time of my life. And now, I smile unknowingly.