I’m Not Happy Anymore…

February 1, 2009 – 5:11pm
The Starbucks at Bugis Junction



I love this Mall – Bugis Junction. It’s my mall here in Singapore. Just like the Galleria in Glendale or the Westfield in Century City. In the last 5 months, this mall has been a sort of hub for me. I exist in with all these people buzzing around me, yet I feel oblivious to them and them to me. There’s some strange sense of anonymous safety.

I’m at Starbucks, casually sitting on a velvet slipper chair on a Sunday afternoon lazily sipping on my lukewarm coffee and watching random snippets on YouTube (BTW, Quest Crew on ABDC is effing SICK!!!!). I’m not at work, I haven’t checked my work email since I left the office on Friday, I haven’t been gone to work this weekend, I haven’t gone to work on a weekend in a while, and I don’t really want to go to work tomorrow.

I hate that. I hate hating to go to work. I hate sitting at my desk on a Thursday afternoon anxiously watching the clock on the bottom left corn of my screen, grinding my teeth in anticipation for the numbers to hit 6 - 0 - 0. It sucks. In my second week at work, 10 days after I got to Singapore, I wrote a blog about my new job… And I basically asked myself, what the hell I got myself into. Fuck. I tried so hard to make it work. But fuck, this is ridiculous.

Company aside, country aside, co-workers aside… I love my job; I love what I do. I love it so much that I don’t usually mind stay till midnight on a weekday or going to the office on the weekends. I like thinking about what I want to accomplish at work and how I’m going to do better tomorrow. Sometimes I get so excited that I stay up in bed thinking about all the things I’m learning and how fast I’m growing.

That’s t not the case here. I’m not Happy anymore. Was I ever here?

Aside from 2 people at work (A director at work who’s not even in my line management, but I consider my mentor and my cube-mate who is awesome), no one knows. Not my family, not my friends, not my bosses at work, not no-one not know how.

It’s funny, I got my confirmation-of-permanent-employment letter this past Friday – one whole month before they were supposed to give it to me. My company is more than happy with my performance, that is no secret… “I was the jewel of 2008.” With that said, I am less than happy with my company’s performance. Thus, my official confirmation in Research International is, well, bittersweet. I’m good at what I do; really good. And it’s not like I’m scared of losing my job – they want me. But staying here will be like a zombie eating me alive from the inside out.

I have a scheduled meeting on Tuesday with the soon-to-be Managing Director of the Singapore Office (His position will be officially effective in the next few months, but the transition will be progressive starting 2009). I am going to tell him about my situation, and I’m going to tell him that something needs to change; I won’t put up with this crap anymore. In my mind I have 3 options:

1. Move teams and projects but stay in the same office
2. Move offices but stay in the same company (I’m thinking maybe HK)
3. Move jobs altogether (SG or HK?)

Deep deep deep down, I want to get out of that office. But in reality, I’ve only been there 5 going on 6 months, and I don’t want other companies to look at me like a job-hopper. So there are a number of things to consider here, and I am nervous. Wish me luck; I’ll need it.

HONK!

January 26, 2009
1:47am


Theater in Singapore is cheap. Cheap. Cheap. Cheap. Cheap. Cheap. Ok, well, definitely cheaper than in LA. And probably comparable to Manila prices – which is cheap. I love it. So I’ve made a promise to watch at least one production a month, if not more.

I went to watch Honk! The Musical (a musical based on the story of the ugly duckling) last night at the Victoria Theater and I had a blast of a time. Granted, I like theater and musicals (not surprising), so I do find most production fun. This particular show was a college production with a college cast of the expected college caliber (However, the girl who played the Mother Duck was a rockstar-stand out!), but I found this musical a little more poignant than that last few productions I have watched.

By default, the classic tale of the Ugly Duckling is one of discrimination and segregation leading to the universal feel-good messages of love and acceptance. And while the subject matter crosses the border into the land of the juvenile, the things those duck characters were singing on stage really got to me.

You see, I will always be different. And it’s ok – at least I keep telling myself that it’s ok. Most people will never really understand me and some people might not even accept me… But I’ve got to keep on keeping on. I’ve been out now for what… 4 years… and you know what it doesn’t get that much easier. With each new person I meet, I feel like I’m thrown back into the closet. With each new person, I have to come out again. And when you’re in Singapore, all of this gets much more complicated. I’m not ashamed of who I am, but I’m not looking for trouble either.

Anyways, below I wrote the lyrics to one of the songs from Honk!. I changed some of the words to make it less poultry-centric and more human-applicable. Sometimes I feel this way, but I deal with it. Regardless, it’s always comforting to know that you’re not alone… that others are going through the same things you’re going though, feeling the same things you’re feeling. Even if that other is a duck. Quack! HONK!


DIFFERENT

I’m just different
I’m just different from what they say
And who can blame them for wanting to look the other way
But different isn’t naughty
Different isn’t bad
So why should being different make me sad

I’m just different
They’re like peas from the same pod
No wonder they make fun of me
Life’s harder when you’re odd
But different isn’t scary
Different is no threat.
And though I’m still they’re brother
They forget

I didn’t choose to be this way
I didn’t want to be unique
I didn’t ask to so different
Or to feel like such a freak
There’s a runt in every litter
A black sheep in every flock
But when you know it’s you somehow your ego takes a knock

I’m just different
But I have a sense of pride
I may put up a strong front for you
But I hurt the same inside
Different isn’t spiteful
Different isn’t wrong

So why is it so hard to get along
I only want to get along
Different isn’t hateful
Different could be swell
Different is well
Different

New Year's Resolutions

December 16, 2008
11:41PM

It’s almost midnight. I’m home. I just finished my dinner of 2 $3 duck noodle soups from the food court 2 minutes away from my apartment. I left work early today (and by early I mean 8pm) to start doing my Christmas shopping. 1 gift down! YES!

I was going throw my gmail and read an email from Jumee sarcastically requesting me to contact her! God how I miss that girl. I will call you soon, I promise like tomorrow even, maybe… or the next day. I promise I’ll try.

Ok. So it’s December! Another Christmas and the end of another year. And what a tumultuous year it has been for the Jacque-o-beam. Leaving LA, Leaving my job, Leaving my friends, Leaving my life! So now I am in the throws on another life – half forced, half chosen. But goddammit, Imma play the hand I was dealt and Imma take down the house. It’s gonna be tough, but the beginning is always tough.

In the market research world, this would be the set up phase of a very complicated, very large Tracking Study – and the set up phase is the hardest, most tedious, most nerve rattling part. You start from scratch. You have to figure how things work (or how things don’t work), identify best practices, establish efficient processes, and make sure everything runs smoothly for all future waves of the project.

So in honor of new beginnings, I am here tonight preparing for the beginning of a new year. I’m not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions (mostly because I think it’s a sure setup for failure), but this year is different. This year, I made the most impactful decision of my adult life thus far – post-college. So in no random order, here goes…

- I will quit smoking
- I will work less, but work better/faster/smarter
- I will make more friends in Singapore
- I will make an effort to explore Singapore.
- I will ride the Singapore Flyer!
- I will start writing, if not finish writing, my book
- I will keep in contact with friends that aren’t located in the country I currently reside in
- I will go to the gym, start taking protein supplements and look like a stud

There you go folks. 8 resolutions, and some of them aren’t easy either. But I will do it. I claim it! They will be mine! Wish me luck folks. And Happy Holidays!

Mah Dawg, DK

November 9, 2008
2:57 AM



I’ve been meaning to write a post about Mr. Dongwon Ha. And I think this moment right now is perfect. It just started raining, thundering actually, and I’m still up sipping on the remnants of my caramel frapp. Actually, let me light a cigarette to pay tribute to the guy.

I remember almost exactly how I met Don. He was sitting down at his desk when HR was introducing me to the people in the office. I don’t exactly remember what he said, but I remember the accent - there as pronanouce and definite identifiable twang... I was like this guy’s Korean, but he’s American – YES, THANK GOD! We had lunch together with our team and after lunch, I pulled out my pack of Marlboro menthol lights and I saw his face light up! Hahaha! Yup. Nothing better than a ciggy for dessert!

Basically, that’s how it all started – over a stick of menthols. We were two tourists in a foreign land with time on their hands. Then it was a trip to the botanic gardens, Robertson Quay, Clarke Quay, Butter Factory (twice), Dempsey Hill, St. James Power Station, and of course Bugis! Fast forward 2 months later, and Don’s leaving for Korea. Sigh. Don, among others, because a significant part of my social circle here, and it was sad to see him go. I’m used to friends leaving or me leaving friends. For god’s sake, I just left a whole life of people!

But it’s never easier.

This is going to sound arrogant, but I'm still gonna write it down. On 2 or 3 occasions, Don thanked me for re-awakening something in him. Drive. He said he had lost it a while back and he didn’t even notice. But here I come, strolling into the RI Singapore office... Jovial, overly enthused Jacques! I never really thought about it then… But it’s really flattering – that someone noticed. Humbling at the same time, too. Makes me really happy actually, that I was able to have a positive effect on someone, specially a good friend.

So ya. Don, you are welcome. But to tell you the truth, I should be the one saying thanks. Not only did you save me from boredom and pathetic social isolation. You reminded me that passion and drive count for so much more than what people give them credit for. And you know what, right now passion and drive are all I’m running on. I have no back up plans, no safety nets, no options to fail. All I have are passion and drive. That’s about it.

So on this stormy night, as I ready myself for bed and a day of nomadic behavior (I move house tomorrow), I send you my gratitude and wish you the very best, Mr. Ha, Dongwon. You more than deserve it. In the mean time, I look forward to successful futures in French cuff shirts! We will laugh away the night when we meet again…

Ok, I have a confession, I didn’t really smoke as much before Don. But whatever. It was worth it.

Something Funky

October 14, 2008
11:19pm


I left work early today. And by early I mean 5:50pm (that’s Asia + Jacques’ over enthusiasm for you!). I left early coz I was feeling under the weather. At about 3-ish today, I started to feel weird. It was an awkward combination of fatigue, food comma, and digestive stress. I thought I was just tired. I was in the office till 10:00pm last night and then I went to have a drink with a friend. I didn’t really think much of it; I come from a family of stomach sensitive people so I’m quite used to the digestive gurgling of an upset tummy.

The next part is kinda gross so skip it if you’re sensitive to poop.

I get home, pass out for a good two hours only to be awaken by a twisting pain in my abdomen. I run to the toilet and unleash. It was like a faucet – a faucet that spewed out semi-chunky mud water. And it wasn’t a constant run of mud water, there were pockets of air through out. So the splatter-value was definitely at a high.

I ate something funky.

I feel like shit right out. The culprit: Magic Work Thai restaurant on Stamford and Victoria. I had eaten there once before and felt fine. But this time was different. A few of my co-workers and I went there for lunch today, and as I skimmed through the menu I saw something oddly familiar. Boneless chicken in orange Thai sauce. I had the waitress describe it to me and she said something to the effect of, “boneless pieces of chicken fried in a crispy batter then sautéed in an orange glaze.” Heaven I thought. Panda Express was sending me a sign from across the pacific. So I ordered it. It was disappointing, edible yet disappointing. But come on really, anything else will pale in comparison to the original.

So now I’m here in bed, rolled into fetal position, listening to some classic Matchbox 20, and typing on my blog. I am refraining from farting in fear of sharting. And I’m losing electrolytes pretty quickly.

But hark, I am trying to fight it! I walked to the 7-11 and bought a few bottles of Yakult! Lacotusilus Shirota Strain!!! I’m downing them like Mel in Malibu to allow the good bacteria to fight the evil fake orange chicken that has taken hostage of my poor tummy. Go little Shirota soldiers! I also bought a competitor brand just coz I thought it was cool!

Anyways wish my little digestive bacteria well. Hopefully, I’ll be better tomorrow.

Ten Daze

September 10, 2008
9:33pm

Day 10. Ten days in Singapore. It’s weird to think about it that way, actually. Like I’m dreaming, but not. Haha. Sigh… So I’m sitting in my hotel room (which I have for another 4 days), on this huge bed that’s longer AND wider than I am tall. I have Filipino music lullabying out of itunes and somewhere in the background, the tube’s turned on to a past season of America’s got talent. From where I’m seated, I can see the Singapore Flyer through the window – it’s the HUGE ferry’s wheel by the Singapore harbor. It’s weird. I’m in Singapore.

Just now, from the other side of the room, I can hear two black dudes on TV. They’re New Orleans Katrina survivor. “It’s surreal,” one of them says. “One day everything’s normal, and then BAM. It’s like your whole life is changed; in a blink so much of it is gone. And there’s nothing you can do about it.” Bro, my thoughts exactly. Ok, so it a little selfish of me to compare my being kicked out of America to losing house, home and loved ones to a disastrous hurricane. But, hey… give a guy a break. I can’t help it.

I miss the life I had 6 months ago. Dammit. I miss my job.

It’s funny. Wait, no, rewind, rephrase. It’s sad. I love LRW and the people that worked there. I really do. They were aggressively (but not abrasively) action oriented, intellectually unmatched, and fucking passionate. Katie, Eric, Robin, Rick, Anu, Jess, Carly, Matt, Vino, Kevin, everyone… They all were unbelievably smart, were sharply driven by logic, and thought so far and out of the box that the box was a dot in the distance. They were so giving and open about the job, the responsibilities, and their own lives; I learn so much about the business and business in general from them. Every single person I worked with helped me grow leaps and bounds. Good to fucking great. They pushed me to become the best Marketer, Researcher, and Business-person I could have possibly been in a span of just over of a year.

And now here I am – in the real world realizing how spoiled I was… Research International is arguably one of the best in the world. Certainly in the top 3 in Asia! Great brand equity! Mention RI to any fortune 500 brand manager or consumer insights rep, and they will nod and smile, “Ahh. Yes. Research International.” The company has massive global reach and an extremely impressive list of clients that would make even Dave Sackman (CEO of LRW) wet his pants. But my praises stop there. What I find far from impressive are the procedures, processes, and products that come out of the Singapore Office. Man… Talk about dated inefficiency. The RI process takes longer to do, is unnecessarily harder to accomplish, and produces “insights” that aren’t as insightful as they could actually be. To top it off, the process is soaked in Asian-style hierarchal bureaucracy (This means layers and layers of red tape, silent disapproval, passive aggression, and unquestioning acceptance… all served with a smile, a bow and a gracious thank you in your pick of 3 different languages!) Ridiculous! Ridiculous, I say! 10 days in Singapore and 8 days of working for RI Singapore, and this is what have to say. Does not bode well now, does it.

Sigh.

But alas, I do have a plan. The plan still in conception and proposal stage, and I don’t even know if the higher ups will buy into it. But hey, I just can’t sit on my ass now can I? So what’s the plan, you ask? A revolution! I’ll start small. Plant a seed here. Plant a seed there… I need to show people (that matter) that there are better ways to do things. Better ways to say things. Better ways to think about things. Better ways in general! I’m a fucking rockstar, and I need to show people that I can rock their socks off! I just need to find the opportunities! That’s where God’ll come in and help out. Faith man. Faith. Gotta have faith faith faith.



PS – I’m sleepy now (its 100AM). I was distracted there for bit. I was typing and saw my toenails. Damn I really needed to cut them. While I was at it, I cut my nails nails too (the nails on my hands), coz they were getting long and I had the nail cutter out all ready. Man I have one of those cool nail cutters with the casing around it so that the nail debris doesn’t fly everywhere. SO COOL! While I was cutting my nail, CSI:NY came on, so I watched that first. Then House MD came on… So, I watched that too. Then I got back to this… and now I’m sleepy… I have a client meeting in at 830am (my boss is pitching a project to a big insurance and banking firm). I hope we win it. It’ll be part of the revolution! Viva la revoluthion (That’s saying it Spanish for you, baby)!

Peace out and much love!

LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

NAIA Departure Terminal 2/PAL Airbus 450
August 31, 2008 - 7:02 AM

I leave for Singapore today. Now. I leave Singapore now. In about 45 minutes, I board a Philippine Airline Airbus 450 (I think) and journey off to a new job, a new life, a new adventure. Scurry!

It’s weird to embark on this new life when I feel like the one I left in America 6 weeks ago is still not completely over. It’s awkward to think about it. Feels like sneakers with wet socks. So I guess it’s about time I start dealing with this shit already, ya… And for some reason, writing it down and posting it up on this blog thing allots me that closure, or at least being the process. Hahaha.

I have this song on repeat on my Ipod. It’s called “My Time With You” by David Choi and Kina Grannis. (David Choi is this uber famous youtube music star with an endearingly raspy voice. Sexy Korean-Am from OC. Look him up folks.) Anyways, I’ve probably listened to it a gajillion times. I practically know the words by heart:

We’re going to the beach today
We’re gonna laugh and sing our cares away
The sun is shining on our face
We can take it in and let it out and say
La la la la la la la

I do enjoy my time with you
Making the best of everything we do
We're gonna try on something new
And we’ll make it ours before the day is through
La la la la la la la

And now the day has said good night
Just want to say I had a real good time
I think I really feel alright
And I don’t ever ever wanna say goodbye
La la la la la la la

www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmetbTknAUk

The song’s just so bubbly. And when I listen to it and close my eyes, I see the faces of people I love so much but are an ocean away from me… Smiling with the sun on their face, their hair dancing in the California breeze. It’s the song they would play if this was all one big movie and this, me right now at the airport, was the last scene (Peppered with flashback images of course) before the credits. It’s my goodbye song, I guess. A personal, emotional goodbye, not really to the people (did that already), but to myself. Or the me that was and will never be again. Sunny California Jacques – accessories included. Ya, I know. Never be again seems so putridly negative, but it’s the truth. For better or worse (and hopefully for better), I will never be the same as I was in Los Angeles. It was time of such youthful freedom, courageous exploration, and refreshing discovery. I loved it. I tell you, it’ll be hard to top…

Thank you, Los Angeles. I had the time of my life. Until next time, ya…



Wanna know something stupid, my iPod and Laptop are still on LA time. Hahaha I know, sad right. I couldn’t even let go of that. I just couldn’t do it for some reason. But I think I’m going to do it right now… There. Done. Exhale. (Acceptance)…

Look at all the Generals!!!!

August 12, 2008

So ya, my mom works with the Armed Forces of the Philippines, right... Police, Army, Navy, and (mostly) Air Force. That means generals. Guns. Military hot shots. People with power (well, relatively powerful... I mean come on, its the armed forces of the philippines not America). Anyways, so I've met a couple and my mom's been taking my picture with them... Here they are in order of rank (1-4 stars)

General Oscar Rabena - Wing Strike Commander of the Sangley Air Force and Naval Base (1 Star General). He was recently promoted. I had the chance to speak to the General and his wife for a bit, and he is really a great man. Both he and his wife, Tita Josie, are such genuine, good people. I was honestly impacted by their yearning to help others and their inegmatic personalities. It was definitely a honor.

General Rene Badilla - Vice Commander of the Philippine Air Force (2 Star General)

General Jovito Gammad- Chief of Air Staff of the Philippine Air Force (2 Star General)







And Lastly,

General Alex Yano - Chief of Staff of the Armed Forces of the Philippines (4 Star General). General Yano is the only active (or is it living) 4 star general in all of the Philippines. He is also the 3rd most powerful man in the Philippine Armed Forces, superceded only by the President, and the Secretary of National Defense. So if a bomb's gonna be dropped or if the military's going to kick some MILF ass, its prolly coz General Yano said so... Pretty serious stuff here. You know what else is pretty serious - the General's handshake. I swear, he was going to rip my fingers out of their sockets. Definitely the strongest handshake I have ever encountered in my life. Ever! Damn.


If I get pulled over by a cop, Imma flash this photo (neatly stored in my phone), and call the general my Tito Alex! Boo ya!

Wassup

I haven't updated in a while. Hmm... So this is more of a photo blog entry...
Anyways, been spending a lot of time with my mom. Kinda neglected her the last couple months so this is good. Am actually in a coffee shop right now while she's doing her physical therapy for her disjointed spinal disk (Ya... I don't know... something like that...)

So I got back from Baguio a few days ago, its this mountain city 6-7 hours north of manila. all in all, it was a really good trip. It was raining pretty hard, but it was still fun. We were walking down session road, when I found this restaurant!

HODORI!!!! Korean and Japanese Restaurant. It prolly has nothing to do with the on on Vermont and Olympic, but it made me happy nonetheless. And you know what, there are soooooooo many Koreans in the Philippines. Its an invasion. Seriously! But it's not a bad thing... Go Jumee and her people!

While in Baguio we went to the Philippine Military Academy. My Uncle used to go there and my Mom and him now do a lot of work with the Armed Forces of the Philippines. When we were there, we saw the cadets march to Mess Hall it was pretty cool. Lots of bustling young testostorone-driven military men in uniform. Yummy Got me a little flustered, I have to say... so I took a few snaps.

Yummy!

On the way home, we stopped on the road in Bulacan to buy vinegar and fish sauce. When we're my mom was paying for all that stuff, I found this dog.

It was such a sad looking dog. She was severely malnourished; you could her ribs pressed against her skin. Her right leg was broken and flies circled over her like vultures. I don't even like animals, but I felt really bad for this one...

So that's that for now. Job hunt's going... its going. keep you posted. Much Love from the islands!

Bigger and Better

July 26, 2008
12:46pm

Its been a little over a week. And I still don’t know what to make of all this. This move. This distressing, drastic, dramatic change in lifestyle. But I guess it’s high time I start dealing, ya?

Well, here’s some good news for ya… Interviews are going well. Just finished a series of Interviews with AC Nielsen Manila and Research International Singapore (Two very good market research companies). Both companies have expressed moving forward and offering me a package. I should be hearing back about details next week. I’m still in the process of interviewing with Ipsos and Milward Brown (Two other really good market research companies). I actually have an in-person interview with Ipsos Monday morning, so wish me luck.

I guess the positive progress of my interviews make this all a little easier. I don’t feel like such a big loser. Still feel like a loser, but not a gigantic crack-whore’s loose asshole of a loser… Big sigh. Spending literally hundreds of thousands of dollars in the US, then getting kicked out. Making a life, a great fulfilling life, for myself, then having it all taken away by some faceless institution! Fuck. Whatevs man.

If I was a korean campus cruiser, this is where I would quote some parable about windows and doors and technicolored coats. But I’m no cruiser, so this is what I have to say:

Fuck you America. Fuck you and your Mini-malls, your filthy ignorance, and your 200lbs. Supersized McFatBurger-filled 10 year olds. You’re gonna regret breaking up with me. When you see me next I’m going to be so hot, so fierce, so effing feroc(ious)! I’m gonna be so out of your league, it ain’t even gonna be funny. And you're gonna ask me back, bring me flowers and chocolates and shit. But I’m gonna make you work for it. I’m gonna make you crawl on your knees in your matching juicy couture top and sweats begging for me to come back. And you know what, I might just let you eat it and fall flat on your botox injected face. Boo Ya! I am giving you the finger right now. For real.

Peace out Biatch! Bigger and better, I say… Good to Great, that’s right.