The day after one of the most romantic days of the year...

February 15, 2011
4:16pm
At the office, avoiding work


I’m soooooooo glad that whole Valentine’s 2011 HooHa is over. Sigh, this has probably been the toughest Valentine’s day I’ve had ever!

Just so many things going on in my head and in my heart. I don’t know what to think or feel sometimes… and the worst part is its giving me ulcers. :S Not good.

But through all the emotional rollercoaster my heart just happened to trip on to, I take solace in the fact that I still deep down hope and believe that I will find and be with “the one”. So to all my fellow hopeless romantics out there… Belated Happy Valentine’s Day. Always have hope. Always believe. And when you give, always give completely. Our old Hollywood romances and happily forever afters are out there, just waiting for us to seize them.

Hopefully...

February 1, 2011
2:16am

Can't sleep... Haven't been able to for a while... Can't think... Don't want to... Can't help it...

Can't wait to feel this way about someone again... Can't wait to sing this to someone... And for him to sing it back to me...

When Things get hard...

January 22, 2011

3:32am

When things get hard, I bail. I’m a bailer. That’s what I do. Before I commit to something, I am always ready with an exit strategy, a rough plan of how to get out. Cynical I know… But you have to be prepared right. Don’t get me wrong. I definitely hope for the best. But I’m also prepared for the worst. And an exit strategy is definitely the worst case scenario. Call it what you want; Chicken Shit. Pussy. Yellow Bellied. Wimp. Commitment-phobic. Coward. I call it self-preservation.

It’s usually not that hard. Being an emotional nomad, I’m built for this stuff. It’s a simple code to follow (Dexter reference much?!?). All you need to do is go in and don’t get attached. Do what you need to do so that they think you’re in it for life, but really you know better…  You put on a smile and do the little dances. You’re funny but not hilarious. You’re likeable but not irresistible. You’re memorable but not unforgettable. You make people like you just enough… just enough for them to feel sad when you go, but not so much that they can’t let you go…

So what happens when you stray this code? What happens when you get attached?

What happens is that you get hurt. That’s what.

I got hurt recently. I went in, with every intention of following the code but somewhere in the earlier part of the relationship, the code got harder and harder to adhere to. So I threw the code out the door and lay my heart on the table. I got attached… deeply attached. So when I smiled, it wasn’t a mask anymore. And when I danced, it was for him.

Then shit hit the fan, and now it’s over. I left. But I also left a big chunk of my heart. What do I do now? How do I deal? Where do I go?

It’s Friday, and I’m sleeping at my house. I’ve only done that maybe 2 times in the last 9 months – sleeping at home on a Friday night. And I’m having a hard time adjusting to it. I can’t sleep. Fuck.

New year, New life, New possibilities

January 27, 2011
12:48am

It’s mid-January, I know… well more like late January… Hahaha. But it’s been an eventful January 2011, so I hadn’t gotten around to it until now. Better late than never right…

This is the third set of New Year’s resolutions I’ve written on my blog, which is totally amazing to me. Who the hell would have thought that I would keep a blog running this long? What started out as a way to vent about being forcibly ousted out the United States has turned out to be a semi-stable, albeit patchy reflection of my life.

So now, as another year passes and I revisit the goals set at the beginning of 2010, I have to say I’m not disappointed at all. Twenty Ten was a great year. No regrets. But as I am a firm believer of looking back to go forwards, let’s go through the 2010 resolutions shall me…

New Year’s Resolutions for 2010


- I will work less, but work better/faster/smarter OR get a new fucking job
- I will make closer friends in Singapore
- I will keep in contact with family and friends that aren’t located in the country I currently reside in
- Deliberately seek/cause debauchery (the awesome, sexy, cool kind of course!)
- I will travel a lot more to seek/cause said debauchery. How about at least 3-4 trips that are NOT to manila
- Use my digicam to capture said debauchery
- Keep working out, and that stomach flab into muscle ab.
- Oh and I gotta blog more. Shit.

OK… So as a market researcher, I always put the most important attributes first, so it makes sense that the first 2 attributes were the most important on the list. And you know what, I rocked those two! New job and new close friends in SG. Check and Check…

Keep closer contact with family and friends… I would have probably scored second box “somewhat satisfied” on that one – not “very satisfied”, but not “neither satisfied or unsatisfied”. I did ok in the beginning of the year, then things fell through the cracks towards the end of the year (Sorry Jumee, I love you!). Keeping contact with family was better, maybe coz I went home more often.

Travelling and debauchery were achieved as well! Hong Kong, Rawa, Manila, Bohol, Hanoi, Bangkok, Manila, Kuala Lumpur, Hong Kong, Kuala Lumpur, Manila. There was a time where I was in 5 different counties in 5 weeks! As expected, such travel is accompanied by ridiculous debauchery! Most of which was captured by digicam – unfortunately the cameras weren’t mine… So I’ll have to work a little on that one. Regardless, all in all it was crazy awesome.


But 2010 was then and 2011 has already zoomed off from the starting line, racing at 100 miles an hour. Many things are so new and moving so fast. New Job, new life, new possibilities. I love it. So as a toast to the fantastic novelties of 2011… Here are my resolutions for 2011:

New Year’s Resolutions for 2010

- I will kill it at work and show them the great stuff I’m made of
- I will not give up on love. I will not be jaded by pain or disappointment. I will continue to adoringly cling on and preach the values of storybook romanticism and hopeful idealism.
- I will invest
- I will move apartments
- I will continue to travel and seek/cause awesome debauchery. How about I travel to at least one place I haven’t been to in the last 3 years or haven’t been to at all?
- I will take more pictures, using my own new purple camera!
- Keep working out, specifically building up my chest… coz I look kinda disproportioned at the moment…
- Oh and fucking get to work on time... WITHOUT taking a damn cab! Shit. Hahaha.

So there you go. Like in 2009 and 2010… Lucky number 8 resolutions for 2011. Here’s to the next few months… Get ready 2011! Imma coming for you. and Imma coming for you hard!!! It will be an awesome year! I know it already.

It doesn't matter how you count it...

11 months if you start counting from when we first met. 9 months if you starting count from when we officially got together. As I do this stalker activity of reminiscing “our friendship” on facebook, I’m surprised to see that we don’t have that many pictures together of just the two of us… this makes me kinda sad. Sadder than I already felt a few minutes ago… and I thought it would be difficult to feel worse than what I felt earlier.

Apparently I was wrong…

I wish we travelled together more. We did it twice. Once to Bohol in June and another time to Hong Kong in October. I wish we could have gone to Thailand together – Cambodia, Phuket, Boracay, Los Angeles, London and Paris, KL even… Maybe we would have had more pictures together if we took more trips. I wish we did more “stuff” together. I wish we watched more movies together. I wish we walked the Henderson Bridge together. I wish we sang karaoke together; we always said we would but never got around to it. I wish we ate more desserts together. I wish we caught a concert or two (Regine maybe) or a live show. I wish we saw The Lion King together. I wish I could have been there when he got out of his first neck surgery. Lots of wishing and hoping and dreaming.  I wish I was stronger, so I could have stayed longer, so we could have fixed it.

 I’m a weak pussy of a man. Sorry. Truly, I am.    

Saying goodbye is never easy. But one’s gotta do what one’s gotta do. I pray to god I did the right thing. Still, I can’t help but doubt myself. Like the quintessential hopeless Romeo of a romantic that I am, I toy with the idea of running back. Running to him in a stupid meadow of stupid flowers, throwing my arms around him and asking the gods to erase the last few days, as if they never happened. I catch myself sometimes wishing I could still hold his hand in the darkness of a movie theater – gripping it ridiculously tight, pressing it so close to my adrenaline-pumping heart when the scary parts come on. I half-fantasize about him showing up at my door, professing his own brand of love poetry, saying that he’s just a boy standing in front of another boy asking him to love him. I’ve daydreamed that he would surprise me after work, not take no for an answer and whisk me away to some exotic tropical location for the weekend – I wouldn’t agree right away; I would put up a fuss of course, but just to make sure he knows I wasn’t such a push over. The variations of these only-in-a-movie scenes and fairytale tableaus that run in my head are endless.

It’s really all I can think of. Second chances. Considerations. Back and Forths.

But then the Prada-wearing devil in me holds me back. Armed with pride and stubbornness, all he has to do is reminds me of the last few months. And as if temporarily transported into a courtroom, the devil begins to razzle dazzles me with evidence so rationally eloquent. I hear transcripts of incriminating words and phrases. I see pictures of messages, videos of events.  Then the feelings come back. My heart drops into the acidic chasms of my stomach. It hurts. It burns. I see the judge bang his hammer on the table, face fiery with anger, repeatedly mouthing one word as saliva erupts from his lips. I see it all unfold, but I hear only an uncomfortable ringing in my ears. Even then, I know what that word is.

Guilty. Guilt. For him and for me. 

How I wish things turned out differently… How I wish he tried harder to reassure me… How I wish I tried harder to be reassured. But it’s over now. And he’s far too practical of a lover to fight the flow of things already in motion. So I’ll continue to walk away. Walking away with my head turned slightly to one side, listening for the off-chance that he might call my name, turning around every so often to see if he’ll come after me. I don’t think he will. But I’ll keep turning around every so often just to make sure… I’ll keep turning till I’ve walked so far away that I don’t see him anymore. I hope by then, It won’t hurt that much.

It doesn’t matter how you count it.

11 months. 9 months. 2 trips abroad. Because it’s what can’t be counted that matters. The countless nights asleep in each other’s arms. The smile on my face when he called me Pogi. The way his hand fit perfectly into mine like two pieces to a puzzle. The fuzzy feeling I got when he put his lips to mine. That’s what I miss. That’s what I want back.

I loved him. I still do. That’s what matters.

 

The rollercoaster that was... 2010

December 31, 2010

6pm

What a rollercoaster year this has been for the Japster… A crazy 12 months indeed. And as I write this now, nostalgia caresses me like a comfortable and gentle blanket from my youth… I was here doing the same thing almost exactly 1 year ago… Examining and re-examining the year that had passed. Analyzing what had happened and extrapolating the what-could-haves...

But no lost tears are to be shed for 2010. It was an awesome year for me in every sense. I found new job. I found a bunch of new friends. I found a lover. I continued to find myself.

So many things have happened to me this year. And while I sit here feeling a tad bittersweet about it all (Hahaha… I’ll tell you about it later, promise!), I can’t help but feel blessed about the last 12 months. Thank you God for your awesomeness! Unlike the year that was 2009, 2010 was alive and vibrant for me. Full of joyous laughter, rambunctious fun, unforgettable debauchery, exciting new experiences, and gripping tears… Last year, I felt a little cheated by life. Like I hadn’t taken full advantage of what the world had to offer. This year was different! This year, I lived. And even though I encountered some pain along the way, it’s ok. Once can’t truly appreciate the sweet if they haven’t tasted the bitter. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Merry Christmas to the Idealists, the Optimists and the Romantics

December 25, 2010

3:49pm

My room in Multi while listening to the Glee Season 2 soundtrack…

It’s great to be home… Home for Christmas! I wouldn’t have it any other way…

As a kid, my family used to have these elaborate Christmas Eve family gatherings. Family member upon family member would slowly trickle into my Grandparents house or our house on the night of December 24^th and it would seem like the whole world was in the house! It was chaotic and festive and full of life… The food would be overflowing. The chatter and laughter and Christmas carols unknowingly layered over each other exhausted all spaced. Everyone was there, and everything was perfect. I don’t know… I guess when you’re a kid, these types of family gatherings seem enormous in scale. Everything’s huge when your 2 feet tall. But really, those were the days when your family was your world, the world was supremely good, and the stars were reachable dreams to be attained when you grew up just a little more.

So yes, I guess the pure childhood joys of Christmas has helped fuel the idealism I so lovingly cling to now as an adult. To large extents I still believe that family is the world, and that the world is ultimately good, and that you can reach your dreams if you try really really hard and have just enough luck. Idealism is rare in this cynical world of ours, but to my fellow optimists and romantics – come rejoice with me. For Christmas is OUR time of the year! When hope and love and wide-eyed childhood dreams reign. May we never lose this feeling, this yearning for life, this real belief that our dreams our not long winded pipe-dream fantasies but possibilities – No matter what challenges try to jade you…

Keep dancing like nobody’s watch and loving like you’re not going to hurt. Coz living wouldn’t be living if you didn’t aim for the stars and give it your all.

Merry Christmas to all… especially those who never give up on the silver lining...

And so it's done...

Still at work, churning out a few emails.
Its 12:18am.
I tell my bosses tomorrow. And I'm nervous as hell.



June 17, 2010




TNS Singapore
ALM International Research Center
50 Scotts Road #02-01
Singapore 228242




RE: Resignation Letter




To Whom It May Concern:


I regret to inform you that I am resigning from my position as Research Manager for TNS Singapore. I will need to negotiate with HR and my team regarding my last day of employment.


After serious consideration, I have decided to take on a new professional challenge. With that said, I have gone through enriching experiences, gained valuable skills, and worked with wonderful people at TNS. I will miss my job and colleagues at TNS very much.


Thank you so much for the support and the opportunities that you have provided me during the last two years at TNS and previously at legacy RI. I have enjoyed my tenure with the company.


I wish you and the company all the best. I am sure that our paths cross again in the future.




Best,




Jacques Philippe Izon Reyes






[CC: David Jeffs, Amit Dogra, Patricia Lie]

We did our best, but there are times when best is no damn good

It’s Valentine’s day… and I’m in the office. Hehehe. It’s ok. Don’t be sad. I have a dinner date tonight, so it’s not so bad.

Anyways, our Nokia client is flying in next week for a two day workshop, and I’m just prepping a few things… you know, dotting my i's and crossing my t’s, installing all the bells and whistles. I’ve been at it for about 2-3 hours… and I have to admit, I’m pretty distracted. Let me tell you why…

You see, raises and promotions were announced two days ago and…

I actually did ok. Not great, but not bad. I’m not happy, but I’m not sad (stupid rhyming, sorry). I got promoted in July ‘09 with my increase promised in January ‘10 (there was an 8 month company-wide freeze on hiring and pay increase. Stupid recession). So this week, when all the bosses across all 3 offices were the roaming the Singapore office, we knew something big was gonna go down! Then at about 3pm, letters and emails started to arrive. One by one everyone heard something one way or another. It’s like in those WWII movies when a soldier hands a letter to a mother and father; the mother opens the envelop and within 30 seconds is on the floor sobbing… OK, well maybe not that dramatic, but it was freaking nerve-wreaking nonetheless.

In a matter of 45 minutes, the company finally announced all pay increases along with this round of promotions. The good news is, when you compare my salary percentage increase to other in the office, I pretty much come out on top. My increase “is well above average across the company and reflects your continued growth and future potential - well done mate!” so emails my boss. A bunch of us were comparing increases, and I have yet to hear someone who beat my 20% increase. Hellz ya biatches!

To add another mini cake on top of my own cake :), my direct report – Dorcas (That's her in the sari) – was also promoted this January round!!! How awesome is that! Even though she only has 1 year and 5 months of experience (promotions are usually given after 2 years for her level), she’s a monster of an exec, and I am so proud of her… and between you and me, I’m pretty fucking proud of me too! I don’t mean to boast (I will anyways), but I’m a pretty kick ass manager! I’m pretty sure I had a strong influence in Dorcas’ rocket-fast growth and eventually her promotion as well. I’m pretty sure she knows this too. Man, I love that girl. I’m like a proud big brother!

OK. So here’s the sad part…

There’s this other guy on my team named JH Teo… a 24 year old Chinese kid with (now) brown hair and a face that kind of reminds me of those troll dolls from my youth – but cuter and more human-like. He a little arrogant, but he works his ass off. He can hold his own and he takes well to responsibility and challenges. I’ve been training and mentoring him for the past year and I’ve watched him grow from a seemingly pubescent drooling Chinese boy who didn’t know his ass from his head (his words not mine) to a sharp, confident, competent project manager with his own informal management line responsibilities. It’s been an amazing transformation. The shitty part is it all been majorly overlooked.

JH makes crap (like seriously, crap – less than half what I was making before I got my raise!), but he was up for promotion this round. So we were all hoping that it would all balance out and end up for the better. We were all fighting so hard for him – seriously like 6 people with positions ranging from manager to department director. Apparently, all that didn’t make a difference because he did not get his promotion nor did he get any sort of pay increase. It’s ridiculous; almost disgusting. He deserves it so much, that nothing short of writing it in the sky with in green smoke – wicked witch style – would do him justice.

Alas, justice kept her blindfolds on for JH, and he gave his resignation on the spot. Can you blame him? When, I found out I told him to leave and never to come back. Even with all the good news, my chest’s filled with heaviness and my head’s hung low. I admit, I dropped a tear or two. We all did the best we could, but there times when best is no damn good. As his mentor and advocate in the office, I have failed. And it sucks. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

JH, man. I know you know this already, my I want to write it down so that it’s legit and real. You have been an incredible teammate and it has been my pleasure to have worked and mentored you over the past year. You are a brother to me and I have your back! I wish you the best bro!

Just haven't met him yet

January 16 at 11:43am on a Lazy saturday afternoon

I woke up and had breakfast to this. It made me smile... Just because...

I Might Have To Wait
I'll Never Give Up
I Guess It's Half Timing
And The Other Half's Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It's Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life